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After all this time

and I still have feelings for you.

Shoot me now.

Now that I’ve taken a class on Psychology, I do wonder from time to time if there’s anything wrong with me, in that aspect. I’m no expert on any of it, but having an idea of the kinds of things that are out there makes me worried.

When I take time to reflect on my behavior and attitude, it always seems like I could be depressed. I’m not sure though. It might be minor if anything. I mean I lack motivation to do pretty much anything, I don’t really want to see anyone these days, I don’t feel like there’s anything to look forward to anytime soon. But I don’t really know what to make of all of it.

I don’t really know what’s up. I would like some companionship, but at the same time, I’m not really willing to be in the company of anyone around here… Being at home isn’t too fun. I have to deal with my parents wanting us to be a “family” when we really aren’t that bad of a family. I don’t have the motivation to do much of what I had planned for the summer. A month has already passed, and there’s only about two months left.

Fuck everything.
I want to get out of here. And some cookies. 

Recluse.

Someone who is so cynical and so unwilling to put himself out there.
Someone who is so ready to let let others in time and time again, only to push them back out.
Someone who is so disappointed that there seems to be no one who meets his every expectation.
Someone who is surrounded by his own walls, constantly being built and fortified. 

Someone more content in apathy than risk-taking.
Someone more comfortable in solitude than in the company of many.

That someone hasn’t lost hope.
But that someone grows more and more unmotivated with each passing day.
That someone isn’t sad per se.
But that someone can’t seem to really be happy either.

That someone is the only person I can stand to be around these days.
That someone is the only person who I confide my every thought and feeling to.

That someone is me. An introvert. A recluse. 

There is something about relating to people who don’t have a “home”

that makes me feel a little less alone. I’m not the only one that feels like I don’t belong anywhere when I come home. Sure I have a house, but not a home. I don’t feel like I have the strong welcome and love from my friends or family. Sometimes I feel like I’m not really all that important to very many people. And there are some people I wish I was more important to.

I guess I can only ask for so much before I start slapping myself for being too selfish. I never want to be selfish. But maybe I do need to start being selfish. I need to do things for myself. I need to get the things I need and the things I want. I need to meet my own expectations. I need to find people who meet my expectations. Because then and only then will I feel like I will have a home.

Or does that sound too strange? I don’t know.
But I won’t settle for anything less. 

It’s not the same.

It just isn’t. It’s not that I was hoping that it would be or that it would not be. But I realize now that it’s not the same. I don’t really want it to be the way it was before, but the way it is now doesn’t really sit well with me either.

I gave it a try, but there were too many constant reminders of things I didn’t want to hear or know. These things aren’t necessarily all that bad either, they just aren’t things that make me feel comfortable and at ease.

Here’s to a vague post about something that will probably never sit well with me. Not until I can find something to replace it.

Some day.

Post-FreshmanYearofCollege

And so I’m sitting at home now. It’s been a quick year… I never thought I’d enjoy my freshman year as much as I did. I met some really amazing people, a few of whom I will definitely keep close!

Now it’s time to tackle summer. I have many things I want to accomplish. Like starting photography or swimming more often. And maybe even re-evaluating how I’ve been this past year. I think I’ve drifted from quite a lot of people back home. Sometimes I feel like it was a good thing, but it was also my fault if I do end up regretting it. We will see.

But all is good now. I’m at home. Freshman year is over. (I might have gotten a 4.0 this quarter! Nice!). Time to relax.

It’s weird why I only respond (emotionally) positively to care from those who I seem to care about. It makes me wonder if I’m a bad person, because I can’t seem to appreciate care from everyone. But I guess what I should focus on is myself. I need to love myself. I want to love myself. It’s an ongoing struggle. Sometimes I do really good. Sometimes I fail horribly. But I’m not going to stop trying. If I expect myself to ever fully love someone else, I need to love myself.

I’m a good person, right? That’s what everyone says. I should stop doubting myself. Stop being so cynical towards myself. Stop trying to prove myself to other people and just be content that I have made and continue to make the best choices for myself.

I love you, Michael. And I’m going to keep on loving you. You are me. And I am you. And that’s NEVER going to change.

Lost, without a home.

I’ll be quite honest. I don’t feel like I have a home. I haven’t felt like I’ve had a home for the longest time. I can’t think back to the last time I actually felt like I belonged anywhere.

I’m distant from my family. Distant from my friends. I push away anyone who might even get close to me, simply because I can’t handle anything that doesn’t meet my expectations. And so far, it seems, nothing and no one meets my expectations. No on seems to meet my expectations anymore. I just constantly meet new people, and yet everyone seems the same. No one seems to take a prolonged interest in me to try and get close to me.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s because I’m uninteresting. I do feel that way. I don’t do anything other than school. When people ask me “What’s up?” or “What did you do today?” I can’t seem to give any other answer than “Homework” or “Study.” That probably explains it. I’m too focused on my studies that I don’t have time for anything or anyone else. Or maybe it’s the other way around, since there is no one for me to give my time to, I simply fill that void by excessively studying.

I don’t even know where life is headed for me. I’ve become quite the pessimist and quite the cynic. I don’t see anyone with true intentions. I probably won’t until someone special comes along and proves me wrong.

Special someone, eh? Who might that be? I don’t know. I’m a boy. A lonely boy. And really, it’d be nice if I had a boy come give me a hug and make me feel all better. And tell me he’ll take care of me always. And tell me he loves me. And then I could do the same. I could devote as much love to him as he does to me. That would be nice. People constantly tell me I deserve that special someone. But do I? I don’t feel like I do. I don’t find myself loving myself enough. I don’t find myself genuinely wanting to help others. I’m a cynic of my own intentions sometimes. When I help others, I feel like I’m only doing it to make myself feel better. How horrible. I truly have no faith in myself.

This space is kind of nice. I’m getting so much out, to no one. I’m just putting it down, so that it’s not all just in my mind. And hopefully this will make me feel better. Hopefully. My mind’s limit was reached a while ago, and I need to empty things out before I get too emotionally stressed.

For now, this will be my mental home. I need a place to escape to. And this is the best I can do.

Until next time.